This may be one of the most personal posts I'll ever write on this blog. I've been debating about whether to write it, but I feel like it's an issue that needs to be shared, and this is a forum to do it... even though my sisters will probably be the only ones who read it :) Still, it's an important issue that needs to be discussed, particularly by women.
I have ADHD. Legitimately. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and everything. I was prescribed medication, which was the reason I sought an official diagnosis in the first place. I really felt like I needed the medication in order to complete my doctoral studies, and I really wanted to do this, but the one hour I was in the psychiatrist's office brought up a host of issues I never considered before.
I was diagnosed with ADHD: Combined, which is both hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive. It's the jackpot of ADHD.
Hyperactivity in adults isn't necessarily the same as in children. For me, it's a need to be busy all the time, as well as a general feeling of agitation. Other people notice that I shake my foot constantly, and it gets worse the more agitated I get (like when I'm sitting in meetings for too long). As the incomparable Allie Brosh said in her blog, Hyperbole and a Half, "Hyperactivity is like being forcibly injected with way too much crack-cocaine and then being tied down to a table and made to watch a documentary about sea snails." That pretty much sums up how I feel when I'm sitting in a meeting or in class. I feel like I'm going to explode, and yet I can't go anywhere. And so I start shaking my foot, chomping on my gum, violently biting my nails, or pulling on my hair and pretty much distracting everyone around me. Or, if the people around me are lucky, the inattentiveness kicks in and I space out.
Inattentiveness is probably what you're thinking of - the inability to pay attention, focus, and listen. If something is not interesting to me, it's difficult to learn or stay focused enough to complete a task. The flip side, however, is hyperfocus in which ADHDers can focus intently on something that does interest them. Hyperfocus is a very real part of my life, and I can become fixated, almost obsessive, over projects and topics that interest me. This has served me well in my doctoral studies because I can immerse myself in topics I find interesting. Hyperfocus often appears to be intense concentration, which is awesome when tasks need to be accomplished. However, the flip side of hyperfocus is the inattentiveness and for me, once the hyperfocus is broken, the inattentiveness takes over completely. Simple things like checking email has completely destroyed my productivity because I either become overwhelmingly distracted or I become hyperfocused on a topic in the email.
I remember trying to explain this to a professor, who was upset that I didn't respond to her email for a few days. I was experiencing some amazing hyperfocus and was cranking through my work, so I wouldn't allow myself to check email for fear of breaking this amazing productivity. I was feeling proud of myself for getting so much work done, while my professor didn't understand why I just couldn't respond to her email. I tried to explain "being in the zone" and not wanting to disrupt this productivity with other tasks. Instead of listening to what I was saying, she tried to make me promise to check my email every day which I couldn't do.
Situations like these make me angry. I tried to explain hyperfocus to this professor, and tried to explain why I couldn't always behave the way she wanted me to, but I couldn't seem to get through to her. And to be fair, it wasn't just her - it's hard to explain what it's like to live with ADHD to someone who doesn't have it. (I think a lot of this has to do with misperceptions about ADHD that focus on energetic kids - not ADHD: Hyperactive type, but kids who eat too much sugar and are forced to sit still and not talk in a classroom. But that's another rant I'll touch on sometime.) But it's incredibly frustrating to have to explain to someone why I need to do things in a certain way and for that person to reject my reasons or worse, make me feel incompetent or stupid for not being able to do things the way she prefers.
I really wanted to do well in school and I tried to do things the way that others expected me to, which is what led me to seek medication. I knew the benefits from my time as a school social worker, and I knew that I would recommend it to myself if I was my social worker, so I made the appointment and prepared for the headaches associated with obtaining ADHD medications as an adult (it's a HUGE pain, brought on college students snorting Adderrall and the fact that it's a Schedule II narcotic, in addition to the idiots who don't believe adults can have ADHD). What I hadn't considered, however, was that my psychiatrist wouldn't prescribe me my medication without some assurance that I would use birth control.
There aren't any conclusive results with respect to ADHD medications and birth defects, but research on amphetamines and research on rats has shown relationships between ADHD medications and low birth weights, impaired bone development, mental impairments, and other birth defects. So generally speaking, medication = bad for pregnancy.
Therefore, when the psychiatrist told me that I had to use birth control, I honestly panicked. One, I'm Catholic and have been taught to believe that contraceptives are bad. However, I personally believe that's a bunch of hooey created by a group of celibate men who don't truly understand or appreciate sex, women, family life, or economic stress because they don't experience it at all or experience it in the same way. Regardless, I told the psychiatrist that I am Catholic, and she essentially belittled the Catholic beliefs about contraception, which I found offensive - not as a Catholic, but as a social worker who was trained NOT to impose my beliefs on my clients. I knew in that moment that even if I did take the medication, I was not going back to that particular psychiatrist.
Catholicism aside, taking medication for my ADHD meant that I had to give up, or at least postpone, having children. That fact smacked me in the face that day, and brought my priorities to the forefront. I felt like I was being asked to choose - career or motherhood.
I left the office that day with my prescription and had to do quite a bit of thinking. The first thing I did was math - if I took the medication, just to help me get through school, it would only be for a short time, and I could still have kids if I wanted. I'd be 33 or 34 and while that was older, it wasn't unheard of for having children. But then I thought some more, and I realized that if I earned my doctorate and became a faculty member, I'd probably need to continue taking medication in order to complete my research. Suddenly I was 40, and I was childless.
On the other hand, I never really saw myself as a mom. Children seemed like a lot of work, and I didn't think I was responsible enough to have them. Plus, I had a great life and a great relationship with my husband that I was afraid would change for the worse if I had children. I also watched as friends became parents and suddenly had nothing to talk about but their children and potty training, and I feared that I would become "Mommy" and cease to be "Me." I didn't want to lose Me - I liked Me.
When I first got married, I thought we'd have kids but my husband wasn't ready. In the meantime, my career and my career ambitions developed and suddenly kids didn't really have a place in my future plans. However, the idea of not having the choice to have children made me re-evaluate my priorities. Did I really not want to have kids? Would a PhD and a PhD career be enough?
I'm reaching the point where my inattention is taking over from my hyperfocus - or maybe because Harry Potter is on tv again and my hyperfocus is shifting and I have uber hyperfocus when it comes to Harry Potter - but I'm starting to lose my way on this post. I'll pick this up another time, but leave you with these final thoughts:
I'm thankful for the women who fought against discrimination in order to allow me to have this choice. I'm lucky to have all these options available to me - to have or not have a career, to have or not have kids, to take or not take birth control. But that doesn't make it easier.
Many people don't understand how truly difficult this decision is or even recognize why it is difficult. When I broached this issue with a few of the faculty, I was told that if I couldn't do school without medication and I decided not to take medication, perhaps I didn't belong in academia. When I've requested accommodations, I've been made to feel stupid. When I've talked to female faculty about the decision to have children, they often point out the other women who have had children and still been successful in the program. Of course, those women didn't have ADHD.
My experience with ADHD, and my experience of discrimination in academia as a result of my struggles with ADHD may explain why I loved my little hockey boy, and that job, so much. Maybe it's because I felt like I could help him in a way I couldn't help myself, but I think moreso it's because I wish I had someone like me in my corner as I navigated through each challenge.
Or maybe - Haha, pincers. Oh Harry...
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