That title is about the only thing I have to say about today. I'm not really a Halloween person.
I like candy. I like pumpkins. I caramel apples. But somewhere between college and now, I've just lost any semblance of enthusiam for Halloween. I don't get dressed up and hit the bars for costume contests, although I did invest in an orange Happy Halloween $5 tshirt from Target this year. I buy candy, but end up eating it all because even though every year I'm told "you'll get a few trick or treaters," I never get any. I decorate for fall and not Halloween because I'm lazy and I don't want to dig out two sets of decorations for Halloween and Thanksgiving. I hate scary movies. And as much as I love Harry Potter, I don't really associate it with Halloween.
I'm sure if I had kids or liked haunted houses or got trick or treaters or felt compelled to be a slutty nurse and pick up guys at a bar, I'd be more excited about Halloween. But for now, I live in a complex with only a few kids and none of my own, get nightmares about haunted houses, and don't need to dress up like a slutty nurse because I already have a cute husband. So I'm spending the day watching football (but sadly not my favorite team because they're playing at the same time as the Panthers), dipping sliced apples in homemade caramel dip, and thinking about how long I have to wait before I can put away the fall decorations and take out the Christmas ones.
Because I am definitely a Christmas person.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Christmas Flat Stanley
Are you familiar with Flat Stanley Projects? In short, the Flat Stanley project consists of character, Stanley, drawn on a piece of paper and then mailed to friends and family. The friends and family that receive Stanley then take pictures of Stanley having adventures in a new town, and create a brief log or journal of things that each friend did with Stanley. The Stanleys, the photos, and the journals were then sent back to the original sender and everything was compiled into a blog, website, or scrapbook.
My family decided to do a Christmas version of the Flat Stanley Project. My parents and each of my sisters (and their families) is getting a "Stanley." Each family will photograph their Stanley doing activities that help the family get into the Christmas Spirit. These photographs, along with a description of the activity and how it got the family in the Christmas spirit, will be posted to a private family blog. The idea behind this project is that through the sharing of pictures and stories, we'll still be connected during the holiday season despite being so far apart from one another. We also hope that by being intentional and reflective about activities that help us find our Christmas Spirit, and sharing our stories with each other, we will also help each other find Christmas Spirit.
Like I said, that blog is private but I'm sure I'll be cross posting some of my own adventures here, and I hope that my stories will help get you in the Christmas Spirit too!
My family decided to do a Christmas version of the Flat Stanley Project. My parents and each of my sisters (and their families) is getting a "Stanley." Each family will photograph their Stanley doing activities that help the family get into the Christmas Spirit. These photographs, along with a description of the activity and how it got the family in the Christmas spirit, will be posted to a private family blog. The idea behind this project is that through the sharing of pictures and stories, we'll still be connected during the holiday season despite being so far apart from one another. We also hope that by being intentional and reflective about activities that help us find our Christmas Spirit, and sharing our stories with each other, we will also help each other find Christmas Spirit.
Like I said, that blog is private but I'm sure I'll be cross posting some of my own adventures here, and I hope that my stories will help get you in the Christmas Spirit too!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Holiday fun revisited
I booked our flights home for Christmas! I am happy to have this task out of the way, and even happier that I didn't have to pay a zillion dollars for our flights. I checked on our flight options over the weekend, and they were ridiculously expensive which led to a mild panic attack on my part. But here's a little known travel tip - it's not only cheaper to fly on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but it's also cheaper to book flights on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The two tickets I booked tonight cost less than any of the options I found over the weekend for one ticket. Phew. One less thing to stress about for the holidays.
We've also had some resolution about the Christmas trip with my husband's family. We are not going to take a vacation and will stay around Chicago. My husband proposed going to The Second City, but my in-laws didn't want to go "all the way to downtown." It's okay though, because they actually came up with another idea that I love! They suggested going to see Jim Brickman, who is playing at a theatre in my sister-in-law's town.
I love Jim Brickman. My husband and I went to a Jim Brickman concert in college, and our first dance at our wedding reception was to his song, "Love of My Life." I introduced my mom to his music, and bought her one of his Christmas CD's that we always listen to at my parents' house at Christmas. I have a lot of special associations to his music, and I'm thrilled to see him in concert again.
I don't know if my in-laws picked the concert because they also like Jim Brickman, or if they remember and recognize how special he is to us, or if it's just because it's close to home. I suspect it's the latter - they presented this option to us as "a holiday concert in Aurora" so I'm sure they don't know or remember that we love his music. It also might be a little awkward to share something so personal and so romantic with my in-laws, but hopefully they'll also enjoy the beautiful music. However, I fully expect my father-in-law to fall asleep about three songs into the concert, and for my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to respond with their standard "It was okay" when asked what they thought of the concert - because that is what they always respond, even though it drives me nuts that they can't muster enthusiasm for anything, especially something so special to me.
Besides, if I get to listen to this on Christmas Eve Eve, what do I care if they can't appreciate it? It's their loss.
But I really hope they do love the concert, that they understand why Jim Brickman is so special to my husband and me, and maybe, just maybe, they begin to understand us just a little bit more.
EDIT: The video doesn't seem to be loading 100% of the time, so you can also go here to see it.
We've also had some resolution about the Christmas trip with my husband's family. We are not going to take a vacation and will stay around Chicago. My husband proposed going to The Second City, but my in-laws didn't want to go "all the way to downtown." It's okay though, because they actually came up with another idea that I love! They suggested going to see Jim Brickman, who is playing at a theatre in my sister-in-law's town.
I love Jim Brickman. My husband and I went to a Jim Brickman concert in college, and our first dance at our wedding reception was to his song, "Love of My Life." I introduced my mom to his music, and bought her one of his Christmas CD's that we always listen to at my parents' house at Christmas. I have a lot of special associations to his music, and I'm thrilled to see him in concert again.
I don't know if my in-laws picked the concert because they also like Jim Brickman, or if they remember and recognize how special he is to us, or if it's just because it's close to home. I suspect it's the latter - they presented this option to us as "a holiday concert in Aurora" so I'm sure they don't know or remember that we love his music. It also might be a little awkward to share something so personal and so romantic with my in-laws, but hopefully they'll also enjoy the beautiful music. However, I fully expect my father-in-law to fall asleep about three songs into the concert, and for my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to respond with their standard "It was okay" when asked what they thought of the concert - because that is what they always respond, even though it drives me nuts that they can't muster enthusiasm for anything, especially something so special to me.
Besides, if I get to listen to this on Christmas Eve Eve, what do I care if they can't appreciate it? It's their loss.
But I really hope they do love the concert, that they understand why Jim Brickman is so special to my husband and me, and maybe, just maybe, they begin to understand us just a little bit more.
EDIT: The video doesn't seem to be loading 100% of the time, so you can also go here to see it.
Sock puppets, anyone?
Today I tackled a much-needed and much-dreaded task: the sock basket. Yes, we have a laundry basket for single socks. Yes, it's full.
Sigh.
But it needed to be done. I sorted, I matched, and I realized that nobody should ever have this many socks. And when I was finished, I was left with this:
For the record, that's 18 pairs of socks for me and 52 pairs of socks for my husband. His drawer is stuffed and I have no intention of buying him socks ever again. Ever. I think he has enough dress socks to wear through the end of the year without needing to do laundry.
Now, what to do with the remaining socks?
Sigh.
But it needed to be done. I sorted, I matched, and I realized that nobody should ever have this many socks. And when I was finished, I was left with this:
 |
| Top to Bottom: My socks, unmatched socks, Husband's socks |
For the record, that's 18 pairs of socks for me and 52 pairs of socks for my husband. His drawer is stuffed and I have no intention of buying him socks ever again. Ever. I think he has enough dress socks to wear through the end of the year without needing to do laundry.
Now, what to do with the remaining socks?
I'm thinking the garbage is a great place for them, unless someone has a burning desire to make sock puppets.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Soccer crush
Remember how I said that my husband was going to name our hypothetical child Arjen, after the soccer player Arjen Robben? Well, move over Arjen! Our new hypothetical child will be named Cesc.
Meet his namesake, Cesc Fabregas:
Cesc plays center midfield for Arsenal and the Spanish National Team (that won the 2010 World Cup). My husband and I both love him, but in very, very different ways.
Just another reason to love Spain.
Meet his namesake, Cesc Fabregas:
Just another reason to love Spain.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Balancing the budget
I've been a huge budget kick lately. Because I'm not working, I've decided that it's my job to make sure we reduce our expenses to save a little extra money. I hate it.
We've always been aggressive savers, especially for retirement, but we are not as careful when it comes to everyday living. We were careful about every penny in the early years of our marriage, but as our combined income has grown, we've definitely become more lax in our spending. Part of it is that we have more disposable income, but another part is that we're both spontaneous and like to have adventures while we can. We work hard and that has translated into playing hard as well.
Because I'm not working hard at the moment, I don't know that I've earned the right to play hard at this point in my life. My husband has earned this right, though - he works harder than almost anybody I know between work and getting his MBA - and I don't want to take this away from him. However, I'm trying to be sensible and recognize that although my income wasn't much, it generally paid for a lot of our adventures. This new situation makes it hard to find a balance between being financially smart and enjoying life to the fullest.
The one thing that has changed dramatically is the number of times we go out to eat, and especially the number of times that I go out to eat. I used to frequent coffee shops and places like Panera to do my work, and I always bought lunch, drinks, and snacks while I worked. Those costs definitely added up, so by staying home more often, I've definitely cut those expenses down. I suppose that I could insist my husband bring his lunch to work too. However, getting lunch is one of the only breaks he gets during the day and I'm reluctant to take it away from him. If he brought lunch, I have a feeling he would work right through lunch and never take a break. When he has to get his lunch, he gets away from his desk for a little while, and gets a little fresh air for at least a few minutes each day. I think both of those are incredibly important for his stress management. While I'm positive that we could save some money if he brown bagged it, I'm not convinced the money savings outweighs the mental health benefits.
However, we eat our dinners at home a lot more often than we used to, and have greatly reduced the number of takeout nights. I could probably save more money by preparing everything myself and not using Dream Dinners, but I'm not 100% convinced that the savings would be all that great. I do cook from scratch at least once per week, and the grocery bills for those meals are roughly the same as a Dream Dinners meal. I've gotten over my guilt about "not cooking," and look forward to the different meals we get to try! Chicken Vesuvio for dinner tonight - YUM!
Aside from meals, the biggest expenses I feel the need to control are the entertainment and the miscellaneous expenses. These are the ones that I struggle with the most, and a lot of it has to do with trying to find ways to fill my day without spending money. I admittedly fail at this aspect of budgeting, and with Christmas coming, I know I will struggle with this even more. I'm not really a shopper, but I am a giver, and when I see something that reminds me of my friends or family, I will often impulsively buy things without really thinking about a budget. Combine this giving with being bored and trying to find ways to fill my day and suddenly shopping becomes a budget buster. I'm really trying to set a smaller, more realistic budget this year and I'm going to work hard to stick to it.
The flip side of the entertainment and miscellaneous expenses is that my husband hasn't stopped working hard so it's difficult for me to justify limiting his play time. Just because I'm not working doesn't mean that he can't enjoy the life he has worked so hard to create. I've been trying to find things to do that he'll enjoy while also being mindful of expenses - things like going to the discount movie theatre instead of the new release theatre, going to free festivals, and using frequent travel discounts and freebies - but I really struggle in this area a lot. Entertainment has gotten so expensive! We don't have a lot of friends in the area so we don't go to each other's house for game night or movie night, and I'm not sure that's something he'd like to do anyway - we're not really board game players. Maybe that's something we could try though, or perhaps we could find a Playstation 3 game to play together, because I'm quickly running out of ways to keep us entertained!
I know I'm completely spoiled that I can be home right now, and that we don't live paycheck to paycheck, but I also recognize that we may not always be in this position. I want to be smart about how we spend our money, but I also don't want to forget to enjoy life! It's a difficult balance and I'm still learning how to manage those competing priorities.
How do you balance your budget?
We've always been aggressive savers, especially for retirement, but we are not as careful when it comes to everyday living. We were careful about every penny in the early years of our marriage, but as our combined income has grown, we've definitely become more lax in our spending. Part of it is that we have more disposable income, but another part is that we're both spontaneous and like to have adventures while we can. We work hard and that has translated into playing hard as well.
Because I'm not working hard at the moment, I don't know that I've earned the right to play hard at this point in my life. My husband has earned this right, though - he works harder than almost anybody I know between work and getting his MBA - and I don't want to take this away from him. However, I'm trying to be sensible and recognize that although my income wasn't much, it generally paid for a lot of our adventures. This new situation makes it hard to find a balance between being financially smart and enjoying life to the fullest.
The one thing that has changed dramatically is the number of times we go out to eat, and especially the number of times that I go out to eat. I used to frequent coffee shops and places like Panera to do my work, and I always bought lunch, drinks, and snacks while I worked. Those costs definitely added up, so by staying home more often, I've definitely cut those expenses down. I suppose that I could insist my husband bring his lunch to work too. However, getting lunch is one of the only breaks he gets during the day and I'm reluctant to take it away from him. If he brought lunch, I have a feeling he would work right through lunch and never take a break. When he has to get his lunch, he gets away from his desk for a little while, and gets a little fresh air for at least a few minutes each day. I think both of those are incredibly important for his stress management. While I'm positive that we could save some money if he brown bagged it, I'm not convinced the money savings outweighs the mental health benefits.
However, we eat our dinners at home a lot more often than we used to, and have greatly reduced the number of takeout nights. I could probably save more money by preparing everything myself and not using Dream Dinners, but I'm not 100% convinced that the savings would be all that great. I do cook from scratch at least once per week, and the grocery bills for those meals are roughly the same as a Dream Dinners meal. I've gotten over my guilt about "not cooking," and look forward to the different meals we get to try! Chicken Vesuvio for dinner tonight - YUM!
Aside from meals, the biggest expenses I feel the need to control are the entertainment and the miscellaneous expenses. These are the ones that I struggle with the most, and a lot of it has to do with trying to find ways to fill my day without spending money. I admittedly fail at this aspect of budgeting, and with Christmas coming, I know I will struggle with this even more. I'm not really a shopper, but I am a giver, and when I see something that reminds me of my friends or family, I will often impulsively buy things without really thinking about a budget. Combine this giving with being bored and trying to find ways to fill my day and suddenly shopping becomes a budget buster. I'm really trying to set a smaller, more realistic budget this year and I'm going to work hard to stick to it.
The flip side of the entertainment and miscellaneous expenses is that my husband hasn't stopped working hard so it's difficult for me to justify limiting his play time. Just because I'm not working doesn't mean that he can't enjoy the life he has worked so hard to create. I've been trying to find things to do that he'll enjoy while also being mindful of expenses - things like going to the discount movie theatre instead of the new release theatre, going to free festivals, and using frequent travel discounts and freebies - but I really struggle in this area a lot. Entertainment has gotten so expensive! We don't have a lot of friends in the area so we don't go to each other's house for game night or movie night, and I'm not sure that's something he'd like to do anyway - we're not really board game players. Maybe that's something we could try though, or perhaps we could find a Playstation 3 game to play together, because I'm quickly running out of ways to keep us entertained!
I know I'm completely spoiled that I can be home right now, and that we don't live paycheck to paycheck, but I also recognize that we may not always be in this position. I want to be smart about how we spend our money, but I also don't want to forget to enjoy life! It's a difficult balance and I'm still learning how to manage those competing priorities.
How do you balance your budget?
Friday, October 22, 2010
Because I'm bored, that's why
You may have noticed an increased frequency in my postings lately, and perhaps the new layout. Or maybe you've noticed that all my posts now have labels. Wanna know why?
I'm bored.
But this is the good kind of bored. Oh, you didn't know there are multiple kinds of boredom? Well, there are. Because I said so.
This kind of boredom is the kind when my ADHD brain is working overtime and I have 8 million thoughts flying through my head, but they are flying through my head slow enough that I can actually process a few of them, but there are still 7,999,997 that I can't process and those keep me from doing anything that is actually productive, but I have still have enough hyperfocus to write about the few thoughts that I can process and it just seems like I'm creative and insightful and have a lot to say.
See how rambly that sentence was? That's my ADHD brain, but multiple it by 8 million. It's understandable if you read slowly, but it really could use some punctuation to make it coherent. You know, the kind of punctuation made by pharmaceutical companies that allows me to follow the "rules of grammar."
But anyway...
I've also had a lot more to write about lately. I haven't done anything that is more housewifey than before, but I have noticed when I've done these housewifey things and made a note to write about them. That's part of the reason I started this blog in the first place - to encourage personal reflection on my new life in my new town.
Charlotte is a cool city, and I like exploring all that the area has to offer. I like having visitors because I have an excuse to visit different places in Charlotte that I would probably never go to on my own, and each time I learn more about this awesome place that I call home. And selfishly, I like to show off how cool Charlotte is so that my family and friends understand why I like Charlotte so much, and why I'm not eager to return to the Midwest to be closer to them.
You know, besides the obvious that it's the end of October and I'm still wearing shorts. And we've got 70s and 80s in the forecast for the next week.
My new role in life, however, is proving to be more challenging. For one, I am a housewife but I don't have children, and I find it hard to relate to housewives with kids. It's not that I don't empathize with those housewives, it's just not my experience. My day doesn't revolve around my children's schedules or meeting their needs or stimulating their minds. I have to fill my day with my own stuff, and that's not something that most housewives relate to. I often hear from friends that they're jealous of my life, and how much they would love to have an entire day to themselves, hanging out at the country club. I understand that. But my life as a housewife has been day after day to myself, with little interaction with others who share similar interests or experiences. It's not that I haven't met people, but the women who are home during the day generally have kids, and the women who don't have kids aren't home during the day, or they're single and looking for Mr. Right (Now). Or they have grandchildren my age (Hi friends from water aerobics!). There aren't a lot of social groups for trailing spouses without kids in their early 30s.
I sometimes wonder if I'm experiencing more of an empty-nest syndrome than a childless housewife dilemma. My life has revolved around kids for the last ten years. Granted, they weren't my kids, but I was still largely responsible for their schedules, meeting their needs, and stimulating their minds. And in turn, they dictated my schedule and stimulated my mind. I don't have them around me anymore, and I miss them terribly. I keep up with many of my former students on Facebook, but it's definitely not the same as working with them every day.
That's why things like volunteering for college fairs and issues like bullying prompt me to post. I can draw upon my personal and professional experience to hopefully write something informative or provocative that hopefully entertains my readers as much as blogging about these topics intellectually stimulates me. Blogging has provided me a forum and an outlet to connect with others and share some of my thoughts and sometimes my expertise. I know it's not modest to say, but I was a pretty darn good social worker/higher educator, and I really enjoy sharing what I know with others. Yes, I am aware that higher educator is not a real term, but higher education professional or student affairs professional is lame. We need to come up with a better name for our profession, fellow higher educators.
Yes, I know, I could get all this if I had a job. I'm trying!
Until that time comes, I have a blog to keep me entertained and keep me intellectually stimulated. I may be a housewife in Charlotte, but I'm still ME - an intelligent social worker/higher educator who is called to help at-risk students get their college degrees, who likes to cook but hates to clean, who sometimes struggles with ADHD, who misses her family and friends, but loves her husband and the life we've created very much.
And I hope this post is proof that there is a good kind of boredom - the kind when there's nothing much going on in my life, so I actually have the opportunity to just think and write and get to know myself a little better and share these things with you.
Yeah, sometimes being a real housewife isn't so bad.
I'm bored.
But this is the good kind of bored. Oh, you didn't know there are multiple kinds of boredom? Well, there are. Because I said so.
This kind of boredom is the kind when my ADHD brain is working overtime and I have 8 million thoughts flying through my head, but they are flying through my head slow enough that I can actually process a few of them, but there are still 7,999,997 that I can't process and those keep me from doing anything that is actually productive, but I have still have enough hyperfocus to write about the few thoughts that I can process and it just seems like I'm creative and insightful and have a lot to say.
See how rambly that sentence was? That's my ADHD brain, but multiple it by 8 million. It's understandable if you read slowly, but it really could use some punctuation to make it coherent. You know, the kind of punctuation made by pharmaceutical companies that allows me to follow the "rules of grammar."
But anyway...
I've also had a lot more to write about lately. I haven't done anything that is more housewifey than before, but I have noticed when I've done these housewifey things and made a note to write about them. That's part of the reason I started this blog in the first place - to encourage personal reflection on my new life in my new town.
Charlotte is a cool city, and I like exploring all that the area has to offer. I like having visitors because I have an excuse to visit different places in Charlotte that I would probably never go to on my own, and each time I learn more about this awesome place that I call home. And selfishly, I like to show off how cool Charlotte is so that my family and friends understand why I like Charlotte so much, and why I'm not eager to return to the Midwest to be closer to them.
You know, besides the obvious that it's the end of October and I'm still wearing shorts. And we've got 70s and 80s in the forecast for the next week.
My new role in life, however, is proving to be more challenging. For one, I am a housewife but I don't have children, and I find it hard to relate to housewives with kids. It's not that I don't empathize with those housewives, it's just not my experience. My day doesn't revolve around my children's schedules or meeting their needs or stimulating their minds. I have to fill my day with my own stuff, and that's not something that most housewives relate to. I often hear from friends that they're jealous of my life, and how much they would love to have an entire day to themselves, hanging out at the country club. I understand that. But my life as a housewife has been day after day to myself, with little interaction with others who share similar interests or experiences. It's not that I haven't met people, but the women who are home during the day generally have kids, and the women who don't have kids aren't home during the day, or they're single and looking for Mr. Right (Now). Or they have grandchildren my age (Hi friends from water aerobics!). There aren't a lot of social groups for trailing spouses without kids in their early 30s.
I sometimes wonder if I'm experiencing more of an empty-nest syndrome than a childless housewife dilemma. My life has revolved around kids for the last ten years. Granted, they weren't my kids, but I was still largely responsible for their schedules, meeting their needs, and stimulating their minds. And in turn, they dictated my schedule and stimulated my mind. I don't have them around me anymore, and I miss them terribly. I keep up with many of my former students on Facebook, but it's definitely not the same as working with them every day.
That's why things like volunteering for college fairs and issues like bullying prompt me to post. I can draw upon my personal and professional experience to hopefully write something informative or provocative that hopefully entertains my readers as much as blogging about these topics intellectually stimulates me. Blogging has provided me a forum and an outlet to connect with others and share some of my thoughts and sometimes my expertise. I know it's not modest to say, but I was a pretty darn good social worker/higher educator, and I really enjoy sharing what I know with others. Yes, I am aware that higher educator is not a real term, but higher education professional or student affairs professional is lame. We need to come up with a better name for our profession, fellow higher educators.
Yes, I know, I could get all this if I had a job. I'm trying!
Until that time comes, I have a blog to keep me entertained and keep me intellectually stimulated. I may be a housewife in Charlotte, but I'm still ME - an intelligent social worker/higher educator who is called to help at-risk students get their college degrees, who likes to cook but hates to clean, who sometimes struggles with ADHD, who misses her family and friends, but loves her husband and the life we've created very much.
And I hope this post is proof that there is a good kind of boredom - the kind when there's nothing much going on in my life, so I actually have the opportunity to just think and write and get to know myself a little better and share these things with you.
Yeah, sometimes being a real housewife isn't so bad.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Lazy 5
We had guests over the weekend - two friends from college and their three year-old daughter - which meant we got to be Charlotte tourists! It was another gorgeous Charlotte weekend and we took advantage of the sunshine with a lot of outdoor activities.One of the most unique and talked about family activities in the Charlotte area is the Lazy 5 Ranch. It's a drive through or ride through animal park, but even that description doesn't fully capture the experience. I've been there twice now and both times I've been amazed by the experience.
The park isn't like a regular zoo - it's more of a forest, combined with a safari, with a touch of the children's zoo - because visitors have the opportunity to see, feed, and pet all the animals. It's safe - the animals are all given shots each year and are so used to people that they're essentially domesticated. Both visits I have ridden on the wagon through the park, which I personally think is the best way to see everything.
Words are failing me, so I think the best thing to do is just show you the pictures.
Luther the rhino - can't pet or feed him!
If it has two legs, hold out your food bucket and they'll peck at the food.
If it has four legs, they'll eat from your hand!
Everyone wants to feed the giraffes and the giraffes know it - they don't eat much, but they like to pose for pictures.
I didn't see the zebras the first time! There were at least ten of them, and they were beautiful!
And this is what it's like to take a car through the park - the animals come right up to you!
The Lazy 5 Ranch is an awesome family attraction just north of Charlotte, and I highly recommend it to any locals or visitors.
Follow up: Just say no
In follow up to my post, Just say no, here's a picture and a review:
My outdoor fall decorations:
See, I told you it was cute.
As far as the orchard salad, my husband and I both thought it was good and my guests wanted seconds so I think that's a pretty good endorsement. I added some Craisins and and used an extra sharp (as opposed to a sharp) white cheddar cheese from Trader Joe's, but I think goat cheese would also be delicious. Then again, I love goat cheese. My only complaint is that I thought there was too much dressing for the salad, but I suppose that could easily be rectified by adding more stuff or saving the dressing for later!
And as further proof that you should just say no to Trader Joe's: My guests loved the Trader Joe's apple cider. They live very close to a Trader Joe's and said many times that they were going to have to buy some when they got home. I told you Trader Joe's is dangerous. But of course, I'm going back tomorrow to get more cider.
My outdoor fall decorations:
See, I told you it was cute.
As far as the orchard salad, my husband and I both thought it was good and my guests wanted seconds so I think that's a pretty good endorsement. I added some Craisins and and used an extra sharp (as opposed to a sharp) white cheddar cheese from Trader Joe's, but I think goat cheese would also be delicious. Then again, I love goat cheese. My only complaint is that I thought there was too much dressing for the salad, but I suppose that could easily be rectified by adding more stuff or saving the dressing for later!
And as further proof that you should just say no to Trader Joe's: My guests loved the Trader Joe's apple cider. They live very close to a Trader Joe's and said many times that they were going to have to buy some when they got home. I told you Trader Joe's is dangerous. But of course, I'm going back tomorrow to get more cider.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Where exactly CAN I buy toilet paper?
Shortly after I wrote this post singing the praises of Target, Target made the news for two not so great reasons - its donation to the a group backing a conservative gubernatorial candidate and the "college essentials" beer pong display. I immediately felt like I should discuss these issues on my blog, but wasn't exactly sure what to say. However, because today is Spirit Day, I feel like I should at least address the issue.
A couple of years ago, one of the professional associations I belong to booked a conference at a hotel and later found out that the owner of that hotel (a major chain, but independently owned) had made a campaign contribution to the group that supported Prop 8 in California. They wanted to move the conference in protest, but in doing so, would break the contract made with hotel and cost the group a lot of money. A major debate ensued, the subtext of the discussion being whether the professional association, and its elected leaders, represented the beliefs of its members.
My stance on political donations has always been that the story becomes what somebody wants it to be. I noticed this during the 2000 election, when I read a story about the largest corporate donors to the presidential candidates/political parties and noticed my boyfriend's company at the time was listed as donors to both. I could be angry that they had donated to the "wrong" campaign or political party, but realistically I understood why - it was business.
I don't fault companies for making decisions based on what makes the most sense from a business rather than a social perspective. Businesses are designed to make money and are fiscally responsible to their shareholders, so businesses support politicians that can help their businesses. I often wish that weren't true, but considering I invest money in the stock market and not in an envelope under my mattress, it would be hypocritical of me to suggest that business must change.
As the article about the Target donation states, Target donates to both political parties. Maybe it's true and maybe it isn't, but it's hard for me to imagine a big corporation like Target, with business interests across state lines, would put all its political eggs in one basket. Sadly, one donation was to a group supporting a politically-polarizing candidate, and I'm very sad that Target wasn't more careful with their donations. But I understand it.
The second reason - the beer pong displays - demonstrates Target's astute but insensitive marketing. Binge drinking and drinking games in college are huge problems in this country, and marketing beer pong supplies as an "essential" captures the image of beer pong and drinking as an important part of college life. It may be an accurage image, but that doesn't mean it should be marketed as such. Students die from alcohol-related incidents every year, and treating alcohol consumption so cavalierly sends the wrong message to current and future college students that beer pong is the norm. At the same time, it is a norm for a lot of college students so should Target be punished for capturing and capitalizing on that trend? It's a business.
I considered whether I should boycott Target and then asked myself - where would I shop otherwise? In fact, I found an article telling me where I should shop otherwise and burst out laughing. Sam's Club? Really? Aren't I supposed to boycott Walmart too? Oh, and Costco too - there's a whole list of reasons to boycott them. And wasn't I supposed to boycott Kmart too because of... something. I don't remember what - guns maybe? Discrimination against customers? Or maybe it was discrimination against employees? I'm not sure what it was, but I'm pretty sure there's a good reason why I'm boycotting them too. Heck, I'm even supposed to boycott Whole Foods, and they're generally seen as one of the good guys.
The reality is that we want our businesses to be socially conscious, and we want them to be socially conscious about our own ideals, but our own ideals often clash with the ideals of others. Gay marriage isn't allowed in most states - why? College students continue to binge drink despite the national attention on student deaths - why? To oversimplify the issue, people have different values. So do businesses. So do business owners.
I'm not happy with Target. I'm not happy with Walmart. But I'm really not happy being overcharged for toilet paper. In times like these, my practicality often overshadows my ideals. Call me weak-minded. Call me financially responsible.
Today is Spirit Day and I don't want to minimize the importance of remembering Tyler Clementi, the college student who committed suicide after his roommate outed him online, and the other five teenagers who killed themselves after being taunted for their sexuality. That is six people too many, and it doesn't begin to capture the depth of the issue.
We can argue that Target has a role in the homophobia and anti-GLBTQ environments - that the opposition to gay marriage by politicians who are being supported by Target's donations further perpetuates the idea that GLBTQ individuals are somehow second-class citizens who aren't deserving of equal rights, and that Target's actions are a contributing factor to these tragic suicides. If that's the case, by all means, boycott Target. But if we do that, shouldn't we look at the practices of every business we frequent and decide if their actions align with our values, if their actions perpetuate any injustice in the world and not simply jump on a latest political bandwagon? It's not easy to align all of our beliefs, thoughts, and actions. In my case, I suspect I'd have very few places to shop or eat. Maybe that's okay.
What I really don't want is to overshadow that broadcasting what happens in the privacy of a someone's own bedroom - whether gay or straight - without his consent is wrong. Shaming others for an aspect of their identity - whether sex, sexuality, race, religion, country of origin, hair color, or eye color - is wrong. Mocking others for their personal preferences - whether it's choice in music, books, television shows, or comic books; or playing or not playing sports, musical instruments, or video games - is wrong.
We don't just need to raise the awareness of anti-gay bullying. We need to raise the awareness of bullying. And we can't stop with awareness. We need to move toward prevention.
And much as their actions made me angry, I'm not convinced that boycotting Target is going to prevent a teen from committing suicide. Nor do I think that getting rid of beer pong kits will prevent binge drinking. But perhaps ensuring that that teen's privacy is respected might prevent suicide. Perhaps teaching others to respect differences, regardless of how uncomfortable or scared these differences make us, might prevent suicide. Or maybe changing the culture so that binge drinking or hate or homophobia or bullying isn't perceived as "the norm" or that suicide isn't viewed as the only solution to these problems might make a bigger difference. Maybe providing more mental health services, more crisis services, and more professionals trained to deal with these issues might make a bigger difference.
And then maybe, MAYBE, there won't be any financial OR voter support for polarizing political candidates.
A couple of years ago, one of the professional associations I belong to booked a conference at a hotel and later found out that the owner of that hotel (a major chain, but independently owned) had made a campaign contribution to the group that supported Prop 8 in California. They wanted to move the conference in protest, but in doing so, would break the contract made with hotel and cost the group a lot of money. A major debate ensued, the subtext of the discussion being whether the professional association, and its elected leaders, represented the beliefs of its members.
My stance on political donations has always been that the story becomes what somebody wants it to be. I noticed this during the 2000 election, when I read a story about the largest corporate donors to the presidential candidates/political parties and noticed my boyfriend's company at the time was listed as donors to both. I could be angry that they had donated to the "wrong" campaign or political party, but realistically I understood why - it was business.
I don't fault companies for making decisions based on what makes the most sense from a business rather than a social perspective. Businesses are designed to make money and are fiscally responsible to their shareholders, so businesses support politicians that can help their businesses. I often wish that weren't true, but considering I invest money in the stock market and not in an envelope under my mattress, it would be hypocritical of me to suggest that business must change.
As the article about the Target donation states, Target donates to both political parties. Maybe it's true and maybe it isn't, but it's hard for me to imagine a big corporation like Target, with business interests across state lines, would put all its political eggs in one basket. Sadly, one donation was to a group supporting a politically-polarizing candidate, and I'm very sad that Target wasn't more careful with their donations. But I understand it.
The second reason - the beer pong displays - demonstrates Target's astute but insensitive marketing. Binge drinking and drinking games in college are huge problems in this country, and marketing beer pong supplies as an "essential" captures the image of beer pong and drinking as an important part of college life. It may be an accurage image, but that doesn't mean it should be marketed as such. Students die from alcohol-related incidents every year, and treating alcohol consumption so cavalierly sends the wrong message to current and future college students that beer pong is the norm. At the same time, it is a norm for a lot of college students so should Target be punished for capturing and capitalizing on that trend? It's a business.
I considered whether I should boycott Target and then asked myself - where would I shop otherwise? In fact, I found an article telling me where I should shop otherwise and burst out laughing. Sam's Club? Really? Aren't I supposed to boycott Walmart too? Oh, and Costco too - there's a whole list of reasons to boycott them. And wasn't I supposed to boycott Kmart too because of... something. I don't remember what - guns maybe? Discrimination against customers? Or maybe it was discrimination against employees? I'm not sure what it was, but I'm pretty sure there's a good reason why I'm boycotting them too. Heck, I'm even supposed to boycott Whole Foods, and they're generally seen as one of the good guys.
The reality is that we want our businesses to be socially conscious, and we want them to be socially conscious about our own ideals, but our own ideals often clash with the ideals of others. Gay marriage isn't allowed in most states - why? College students continue to binge drink despite the national attention on student deaths - why? To oversimplify the issue, people have different values. So do businesses. So do business owners.
I'm not happy with Target. I'm not happy with Walmart. But I'm really not happy being overcharged for toilet paper. In times like these, my practicality often overshadows my ideals. Call me weak-minded. Call me financially responsible.
Today is Spirit Day and I don't want to minimize the importance of remembering Tyler Clementi, the college student who committed suicide after his roommate outed him online, and the other five teenagers who killed themselves after being taunted for their sexuality. That is six people too many, and it doesn't begin to capture the depth of the issue.
We can argue that Target has a role in the homophobia and anti-GLBTQ environments - that the opposition to gay marriage by politicians who are being supported by Target's donations further perpetuates the idea that GLBTQ individuals are somehow second-class citizens who aren't deserving of equal rights, and that Target's actions are a contributing factor to these tragic suicides. If that's the case, by all means, boycott Target. But if we do that, shouldn't we look at the practices of every business we frequent and decide if their actions align with our values, if their actions perpetuate any injustice in the world and not simply jump on a latest political bandwagon? It's not easy to align all of our beliefs, thoughts, and actions. In my case, I suspect I'd have very few places to shop or eat. Maybe that's okay.
What I really don't want is to overshadow that broadcasting what happens in the privacy of a someone's own bedroom - whether gay or straight - without his consent is wrong. Shaming others for an aspect of their identity - whether sex, sexuality, race, religion, country of origin, hair color, or eye color - is wrong. Mocking others for their personal preferences - whether it's choice in music, books, television shows, or comic books; or playing or not playing sports, musical instruments, or video games - is wrong.
We don't just need to raise the awareness of anti-gay bullying. We need to raise the awareness of bullying. And we can't stop with awareness. We need to move toward prevention.
And much as their actions made me angry, I'm not convinced that boycotting Target is going to prevent a teen from committing suicide. Nor do I think that getting rid of beer pong kits will prevent binge drinking. But perhaps ensuring that that teen's privacy is respected might prevent suicide. Perhaps teaching others to respect differences, regardless of how uncomfortable or scared these differences make us, might prevent suicide. Or maybe changing the culture so that binge drinking or hate or homophobia or bullying isn't perceived as "the norm" or that suicide isn't viewed as the only solution to these problems might make a bigger difference. Maybe providing more mental health services, more crisis services, and more professionals trained to deal with these issues might make a bigger difference.
And then maybe, MAYBE, there won't be any financial OR voter support for polarizing political candidates.
Ode to the Crockpot
Dear Crockpot,
You make me happy.
When I was in grad school and working 12-14 hour days, I used my crockpot all the time. I mostly made big batches of soup that I could eat throughout the week, and I loved retreating from the cold Chicago winters, smelling something wonderful in the air of my apartment, and knowing I had a hot meal to enjoy while I studied.
Now I use the crockpot even when I'm not going to be gone all day. It's convenient, and I like that I can make everything in the morning and have dinner ready whenever my husband gets home from work. His work hours are unpredictable, and he could be home anywhere from 6pm to 9pm. That variation is fine when I know it will only take me 20-30 minutes to prepare dinner, but when I want to make pork roast or soup or something that needs to cook longer, I'm often left (incorrectly) playing the timing guessing game. And I HATE when my food gets overcooked and dried out. Hence the crockpot.
I also try to make food that is somewhat healthy. I admit to being a junk food junkie, and I'm not a huge fan of vegetables, but I really try to make well-balanced, nutritional food for my family. I once heard that the sweet potato is the most nutritious food in the grocery store, and I like sweet potatoes, so I've been looking for new recipes to incorporate them as more than just a side dish. I also have a slight obsession with canned pumpkin. Pumpkin is also full of vitamins, and I've found that I can add pumpkin to a lot of things without altering the flavor too much. I put it in my chili and tomato sauces quite often, and sometimes make pasta with pumpkin instead of tomatoes altogether.
So when I found a sweet potato chili recipe, I thought I hit the jackpot. The original recipe is here, but I changed it up a bit based on what I had available to me. And of course, I peeled the sweet potatoes so I lost some of the nutritious fiber, but the beans certainly bump it back up!
(Vitamin) A+ Soup
2 sweet potatoes, peeled and cut in 1-inch chunks
1 yellow onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 chipotle in adobo, diced (I store the remaining chipotles and sauce from the can in a ziploc bag in the freezer - actually, I used a frozen one today - just chopped it and put it in the crockpot frozen)
8-10 baby carrots, sliced (just because I had them)
2 (15 oz) can black beans, drained and rinsed
2 (14.5 oz) cans roasted diced tomatoes with garlic, with the juice
1 (15 oz) can pumpkin
2 T chili powder
1 T paprika
2 T liquid smoke
Add everything in order. Cover and cook on low for 6-8 hours.
I ate this with a rosemary foccacia bread for mopping up the soup. I felt like the soup could handle a little more heat and might add a jalapeno or an additional chipotle pepper next time. The flavors can be changed easily - like using thyme, sage, and rosemary to give the soup a more earthy feel - but the base of the soup is healthful and full of Vitamin A. This recipe made plenty and it was even better when I ate it for lunch over the next couple of days. I added a spice here and there when I reheated it, but my favorite version was topping it with the leftover guacamole and tomatillo mixture I had from making this recipe (found from the Rut Buster blog).
Making it in the crockpot made the house smell great as it heats up throughout the day, and all the vegetables softened to create a very thick consistency without needing to puree the mixture - one less step! I love that dinner was ready the moment my husband walked in the door, and just as good (maybe better) at 8pm as it would've been at 6pm.
You make me happy.
When I was in grad school and working 12-14 hour days, I used my crockpot all the time. I mostly made big batches of soup that I could eat throughout the week, and I loved retreating from the cold Chicago winters, smelling something wonderful in the air of my apartment, and knowing I had a hot meal to enjoy while I studied.
Now I use the crockpot even when I'm not going to be gone all day. It's convenient, and I like that I can make everything in the morning and have dinner ready whenever my husband gets home from work. His work hours are unpredictable, and he could be home anywhere from 6pm to 9pm. That variation is fine when I know it will only take me 20-30 minutes to prepare dinner, but when I want to make pork roast or soup or something that needs to cook longer, I'm often left (incorrectly) playing the timing guessing game. And I HATE when my food gets overcooked and dried out. Hence the crockpot.
I also try to make food that is somewhat healthy. I admit to being a junk food junkie, and I'm not a huge fan of vegetables, but I really try to make well-balanced, nutritional food for my family. I once heard that the sweet potato is the most nutritious food in the grocery store, and I like sweet potatoes, so I've been looking for new recipes to incorporate them as more than just a side dish. I also have a slight obsession with canned pumpkin. Pumpkin is also full of vitamins, and I've found that I can add pumpkin to a lot of things without altering the flavor too much. I put it in my chili and tomato sauces quite often, and sometimes make pasta with pumpkin instead of tomatoes altogether.
So when I found a sweet potato chili recipe, I thought I hit the jackpot. The original recipe is here, but I changed it up a bit based on what I had available to me. And of course, I peeled the sweet potatoes so I lost some of the nutritious fiber, but the beans certainly bump it back up!
(Vitamin) A+ Soup
2 sweet potatoes, peeled and cut in 1-inch chunks
1 yellow onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 chipotle in adobo, diced (I store the remaining chipotles and sauce from the can in a ziploc bag in the freezer - actually, I used a frozen one today - just chopped it and put it in the crockpot frozen)
8-10 baby carrots, sliced (just because I had them)
2 (15 oz) can black beans, drained and rinsed
2 (14.5 oz) cans roasted diced tomatoes with garlic, with the juice
1 (15 oz) can pumpkin
2 T chili powder
1 T paprika
1 T cumin
1/2 tsp kosher salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1 1/2 cups low sodium chicken broth (the original uses 1 c water and 1/2 c OJ - I bet that would be delicious here or vegetable broth would work too)2 T liquid smoke
Add everything in order. Cover and cook on low for 6-8 hours.
I ate this with a rosemary foccacia bread for mopping up the soup. I felt like the soup could handle a little more heat and might add a jalapeno or an additional chipotle pepper next time. The flavors can be changed easily - like using thyme, sage, and rosemary to give the soup a more earthy feel - but the base of the soup is healthful and full of Vitamin A. This recipe made plenty and it was even better when I ate it for lunch over the next couple of days. I added a spice here and there when I reheated it, but my favorite version was topping it with the leftover guacamole and tomatillo mixture I had from making this recipe (found from the Rut Buster blog).
Making it in the crockpot made the house smell great as it heats up throughout the day, and all the vegetables softened to create a very thick consistency without needing to puree the mixture - one less step! I love that dinner was ready the moment my husband walked in the door, and just as good (maybe better) at 8pm as it would've been at 6pm.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
"It's fun being married to me. I've decided."
I've known my husband for fourteen years, and we've been married for eight. We've experienced a lot during these years together, but the one constant amidst all the chaos in our lives has been laughter.
We laugh a lot.
We have serious moments of course, and we have a lot of moments where neither of us wants to talk to the other - not out of anger, but out of a need for quiet. But in between those moments, we're laughing.
My husband is incredibly funny, but also sees humor in a lot of situations. When he starts laughing, and I mean really laughing, it's impossible not to laugh with him. His laugh is loud - or boisterous as he prefers - and absolutely contagious. Movies are funnier, television is funnier, and life is funnier when he's around.
We make each other laugh too. My mere existence is funny to him at times - the way I sleep, how I brush my teeth, my facial expressions, etc. have all cracked him up at some point. Like I said, he sees humor in a lot of situations. But we also giggle through stupid conversations and jokes and teasing. I think it's because, after fourteen years, we know each other so well that we instinctively know what will amuse each other, and can instantly engage each other in a conversation that will lead to laughter. These conversations are rarely anything that another person would find funny, but they always remind me how lucky I am to be married to someone who can make me laugh.
We've dealt with some very stressful situations over the last couple of years, and I know I haven't always handled things in the best way. However, I know that our ability to laugh through the tears and joke through the pain is the reason our relationship has gotten stronger despite the adversity. Because really, laughter is the best medicine.
We laugh a lot.
We have serious moments of course, and we have a lot of moments where neither of us wants to talk to the other - not out of anger, but out of a need for quiet. But in between those moments, we're laughing.
My husband is incredibly funny, but also sees humor in a lot of situations. When he starts laughing, and I mean really laughing, it's impossible not to laugh with him. His laugh is loud - or boisterous as he prefers - and absolutely contagious. Movies are funnier, television is funnier, and life is funnier when he's around.
We make each other laugh too. My mere existence is funny to him at times - the way I sleep, how I brush my teeth, my facial expressions, etc. have all cracked him up at some point. Like I said, he sees humor in a lot of situations. But we also giggle through stupid conversations and jokes and teasing. I think it's because, after fourteen years, we know each other so well that we instinctively know what will amuse each other, and can instantly engage each other in a conversation that will lead to laughter. These conversations are rarely anything that another person would find funny, but they always remind me how lucky I am to be married to someone who can make me laugh.
We've dealt with some very stressful situations over the last couple of years, and I know I haven't always handled things in the best way. However, I know that our ability to laugh through the tears and joke through the pain is the reason our relationship has gotten stronger despite the adversity. Because really, laughter is the best medicine.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Talk, listen, act
Bullying has received a lot of attention in the news lately, and October is National Bully Prevention Month. This issue sickens me, and the fact that it has been a factor in suicides and suicide attempts makes me angry.
Bullying is generally talked about as a child and adolescent issue, but I see it in adulthood as well. I've watched parents bully other parents, parents bully their own children and others' children, and parents bully coaches, and coaches bully parents and players at sporting events. I've experienced bullying by a work supervisor, and I've seen co-workers bully each other in a quest to establish dominance or favoritism in the workplace. It's an issue that never goes away because it's an issue that we as a society still don't recognize and don't know how to address properly.
I was teased mercilessly in junior high. I was smart, I was a tomboy, and I never really fit in among my classmates. Even within my group of friends, I always felt like an outsider because I had very different interests - sports (swimming in particular) and playing the violin - and I dedicated a lot of my free time to participating in these activities. I was interested in boys, but not in changing myself or my appearance so boys would like me. I'm naturally shy, but I became more quiet and withdrawn as the bullying continued.
Bullying affects each person differently, but I became acutely aware of its affects when a friend of mine attempted suicide and another developed an eating disorder. I watched as my friends believed and internalized the messages sent by bullies, but we rarely talked about it. Instead, we tried to be tough in the face of bullies, changed ourselves so that others wouldn't pick on us, and generally hid the pain we felt.
I also remember being told numerous times by teachers that if we were being bullied that we should "tell someone." I also remember being told "don't be a tattletale." Kids receive this mixed message all the time, and don't have sophisticated reasoning skills to know the difference between tattling and seeking help. And frankly, telling someone often resulted in more teasing, more bullying, and in my case, more feelings of isolation. The people who were supposed to help me couldn't or wouldn't, and I often felt helpless and hopeless.
I divide my teachers from 5th through 8th grade into the teachers who couldn't help and the teachers who wouldn't help. The teachers who couldn't were often being bullied themselves - by parents, by administrators, and by the student bullies themselves. I attended a Catholic school and one the worst bullies was the son of the church's business manager. The son got in trouble sometimes, but he should've been expelled many times - like when he told my friend he was going to rape her. She told on him and he got detention - one afternoon cleaning erasers and washing chalkboards - and she was threatened with rape daily by multiple boys in our class from that day on. I was aware that his dad's authority kept him in school and he also knew he was untouchable.
Worse were the teachers who wouldn't help. These teachers seemed more interested in being liked or showing they were "in control" than teaching and helping. Even at 12 or 13, I recognized them as enablers of bullying and therefore bullies themselves. These teachers were the ones who would tell us not to tattle, who would reward the bullies with candy and other treats when they acted as a 7th or 8th grader should act, who sat the good kids and bullying victims next to the bullies in hopes that the good behavior would rub off on the bad kids. Instead, the victims were bullied mercilessly in the classroom too, a place that should've been safe.
I distinctly remember the day that I had enough, and it wasn't on a day I was being teased. We were in science class, and my classmates were acting like children. They were throwing things at me, at each other, across the room, and at the teacher, and jiggling their feet so that the floor shook and the glass display cases rattled. My science teacher had enough and walked out, and then my homeroom teacher (one of the enablers) entered and yelled at us and brought us back to our homeroom class. I apologized to our science teacher on the way out, and I distinctly remember her saying, "You don't need to apologize." At that moment I realized that I didn't need to apologize for my class and their behavior, and I didn't deserve to be yelled at and be punished for their behavior either. It was time I started doing something about it.
Our enabling teacher decided to hold an airing of the grievances instead of directly addressing the immature and inappropriate behavior. Classmate after classmate complained about our science teacher, claiming she was a bad teacher, that she wasn't as cool or understanding as our homeroom teacher, and that she had no control over our class.
And that was when I raised my hand, voice shaking and tears in my eyes and said, "I know I don't talk much, and that's usually because I get shouted over, but you need to hear me. It is not [our science teacher]'s fault that you can't control yourself. She didn't make you shake the floor. She didn't make you throw the paper. She shouldn't have to bribe us to behave. I have two little sisters at home, and if I want to hear whining, I can go home and listen to them, but even they know how to behave in a classroom. You owe [science teacher] an apology and you owe me an apology for having to deal with you. I can't wait to graduate and get out of this hell hole."
The class went silent.
A few minutes later, the whole school gathered in the gym for some assembly. I sat away from everyone because I was still shaking a little, but mostly because I didn't want to be bullied and teased for having the courage to stand up to them. My enabling teacher came up to me and said, "I think they heard you that time." And I don't where the sass or the courage came from, but I replied, "I hope you heard me too. I'm tired of all of this, and I'm not going to take it anymore."
My friends in the other class told me that my classmates were saying I snapped or I'd gone crazy, but nobody dared mess with me again. I ended my 8th grade year with a lot of bad memories, painful psychological scars, and very few friends, but I regained my voice and my strength. I wasn't scared somebody was going to throw things at me, tell me I was ugly or fat or a nerd, or grab my breasts and claim it was an accident. I wasn't going to let the teachers pretend they didn't see or hear these things either. I was going to hold everyone accountable for their actions. I would not be a victim.
Bullies thrive on a victim's silence. Just as a bully's words are powerful to the victim, the victim's words are also powerful. If you are a victim of bullying, tell someone. If that person dismisses you, tell someone else, and keep telling someone until somebody does something about it. Find someone who will be your voice until you can find your own, and be the voice for someone who needs it.
And adults and friends, talk about your own experiences with bullying. Talk with other parents and teachers about what is happening in the classroom. Talk to your kids about how to handle difficult situations. Tell them that you love them. And listen. Listen to what you are being told. Listen for what is NOT being said. Listen for the sadness. Listen to the pleas for help. Listen for the silence.
But most importantly, ACT. Stop the bullying.
Bullying is generally talked about as a child and adolescent issue, but I see it in adulthood as well. I've watched parents bully other parents, parents bully their own children and others' children, and parents bully coaches, and coaches bully parents and players at sporting events. I've experienced bullying by a work supervisor, and I've seen co-workers bully each other in a quest to establish dominance or favoritism in the workplace. It's an issue that never goes away because it's an issue that we as a society still don't recognize and don't know how to address properly.
I was teased mercilessly in junior high. I was smart, I was a tomboy, and I never really fit in among my classmates. Even within my group of friends, I always felt like an outsider because I had very different interests - sports (swimming in particular) and playing the violin - and I dedicated a lot of my free time to participating in these activities. I was interested in boys, but not in changing myself or my appearance so boys would like me. I'm naturally shy, but I became more quiet and withdrawn as the bullying continued.
Bullying affects each person differently, but I became acutely aware of its affects when a friend of mine attempted suicide and another developed an eating disorder. I watched as my friends believed and internalized the messages sent by bullies, but we rarely talked about it. Instead, we tried to be tough in the face of bullies, changed ourselves so that others wouldn't pick on us, and generally hid the pain we felt.
I also remember being told numerous times by teachers that if we were being bullied that we should "tell someone." I also remember being told "don't be a tattletale." Kids receive this mixed message all the time, and don't have sophisticated reasoning skills to know the difference between tattling and seeking help. And frankly, telling someone often resulted in more teasing, more bullying, and in my case, more feelings of isolation. The people who were supposed to help me couldn't or wouldn't, and I often felt helpless and hopeless.
I divide my teachers from 5th through 8th grade into the teachers who couldn't help and the teachers who wouldn't help. The teachers who couldn't were often being bullied themselves - by parents, by administrators, and by the student bullies themselves. I attended a Catholic school and one the worst bullies was the son of the church's business manager. The son got in trouble sometimes, but he should've been expelled many times - like when he told my friend he was going to rape her. She told on him and he got detention - one afternoon cleaning erasers and washing chalkboards - and she was threatened with rape daily by multiple boys in our class from that day on. I was aware that his dad's authority kept him in school and he also knew he was untouchable.
Worse were the teachers who wouldn't help. These teachers seemed more interested in being liked or showing they were "in control" than teaching and helping. Even at 12 or 13, I recognized them as enablers of bullying and therefore bullies themselves. These teachers were the ones who would tell us not to tattle, who would reward the bullies with candy and other treats when they acted as a 7th or 8th grader should act, who sat the good kids and bullying victims next to the bullies in hopes that the good behavior would rub off on the bad kids. Instead, the victims were bullied mercilessly in the classroom too, a place that should've been safe.
I distinctly remember the day that I had enough, and it wasn't on a day I was being teased. We were in science class, and my classmates were acting like children. They were throwing things at me, at each other, across the room, and at the teacher, and jiggling their feet so that the floor shook and the glass display cases rattled. My science teacher had enough and walked out, and then my homeroom teacher (one of the enablers) entered and yelled at us and brought us back to our homeroom class. I apologized to our science teacher on the way out, and I distinctly remember her saying, "You don't need to apologize." At that moment I realized that I didn't need to apologize for my class and their behavior, and I didn't deserve to be yelled at and be punished for their behavior either. It was time I started doing something about it.
Our enabling teacher decided to hold an airing of the grievances instead of directly addressing the immature and inappropriate behavior. Classmate after classmate complained about our science teacher, claiming she was a bad teacher, that she wasn't as cool or understanding as our homeroom teacher, and that she had no control over our class.
And that was when I raised my hand, voice shaking and tears in my eyes and said, "I know I don't talk much, and that's usually because I get shouted over, but you need to hear me. It is not [our science teacher]'s fault that you can't control yourself. She didn't make you shake the floor. She didn't make you throw the paper. She shouldn't have to bribe us to behave. I have two little sisters at home, and if I want to hear whining, I can go home and listen to them, but even they know how to behave in a classroom. You owe [science teacher] an apology and you owe me an apology for having to deal with you. I can't wait to graduate and get out of this hell hole."
The class went silent.
A few minutes later, the whole school gathered in the gym for some assembly. I sat away from everyone because I was still shaking a little, but mostly because I didn't want to be bullied and teased for having the courage to stand up to them. My enabling teacher came up to me and said, "I think they heard you that time." And I don't where the sass or the courage came from, but I replied, "I hope you heard me too. I'm tired of all of this, and I'm not going to take it anymore."
My friends in the other class told me that my classmates were saying I snapped or I'd gone crazy, but nobody dared mess with me again. I ended my 8th grade year with a lot of bad memories, painful psychological scars, and very few friends, but I regained my voice and my strength. I wasn't scared somebody was going to throw things at me, tell me I was ugly or fat or a nerd, or grab my breasts and claim it was an accident. I wasn't going to let the teachers pretend they didn't see or hear these things either. I was going to hold everyone accountable for their actions. I would not be a victim.
Bullies thrive on a victim's silence. Just as a bully's words are powerful to the victim, the victim's words are also powerful. If you are a victim of bullying, tell someone. If that person dismisses you, tell someone else, and keep telling someone until somebody does something about it. Find someone who will be your voice until you can find your own, and be the voice for someone who needs it.
And adults and friends, talk about your own experiences with bullying. Talk with other parents and teachers about what is happening in the classroom. Talk to your kids about how to handle difficult situations. Tell them that you love them. And listen. Listen to what you are being told. Listen for what is NOT being said. Listen for the sadness. Listen to the pleas for help. Listen for the silence.
But most importantly, ACT. Stop the bullying.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Just say no
I've spent the last couple of days preparing for our guests, which basically involves a lot of cleaning. I believe I've made my feelings about this subject known - I hate cleaning. But I'll do it if it means I will have happy guests!
I've also done quite a bit of decorating in preparation for our guests. My living room is cute, but my porch is cuter! I took some pictures, but haven't uploaded them to my computer yet. When I do, you'll be impressed by my decor I promise.
But even more than cleaning and decorating, I've been shopping! My trip to Michaels did some damage, but my second and third (!) trips were worse. It wasn't all random fall decorations though. I bought two picture frames for photos I've been meaning to hang since we moved - the rest was random fall decorations. But aside from trips to Michaels, I've been doing lots of grocery shopping, including a trip to Trader Joe's.
I am not obsessed with Trader Joe's, unlike many of my friends. I used to drive by Trader Joe's every day on my way to and from school in Michigan, yet I only shopped there once. I live fairly close to a Trader Joe's in Charlotte, and yet I've only been there twice. It's just not a place I feel the need to visit very often because I can't find what I want, but I end up buying stuff I absolutely don't need. It's a sneaky place like that.
My first trip to Trader Joe's in Charlotte was more out of curiosity than anything. My sister told me about their pizza dough so I thought I would try it out, and I was curious about what other fun stuff they had. I did buy the pizza dough, but my favorite item was the apple cider - yum! My family has a tradition of drinking hot apple cider at Christmas, and this stuff rivaled the mulled cider my mom makes. I quickly realized that any apple cider I bought this season would have to come from Trader Joe's.
And the cider is what brought me back to my second trip today. I decided to make an orchard salad, and the dressing called for apple cider. I knew immediately that the Trader Joe's cider was the only appropriate cider. I also thought that I'd have a better chance of finding organic apples and pears at Trader Joe's than at the regular grocery store - mostly because I'd already looked and we had neither. So I made my special Trader Joe's trip today, and yet again found myself getting sucked in to the random stuff they had - Dark chocolate covered cranberries! Plantain chips! Pumpkin cream cheese spread! Spices for $1.99! Clearly I absolutely had to have all these wonderful items!
Except I didn't. Well, except for the $1.99 rosemary because I ran out and it cost $4.00 at the grocery store. But I didn't need or really want a single one of those other things. Chocolate covered cranberries? I'm sure they're delicious, but I'm not even a chocolate fan. But they just looked so good!
This is why I can't shop at Trader Joe's, or places like Williams-Sonoma or Crate and Barrel or even Michaels. I see things that are unique and interesting and somehow I think, "I must have this item!" even though I have no need for said item. I'm easily swayed and impulsive, which is an expensive combination in stores that offer unique products to bored housewives.
I think one of the hardest parts about being a housewife is looking for ways to fill my day that doesn't involve spending money. It's so easy to run to Target for a few "essentials" and end up dropping an extra hundred dollars on things I really don't need. In the same vein, I find myself becoming easily bored and seeing new and different products at a different grocery store is an easy way to break a cycle of boredom. However, I know I need to be careful and not let my impulsivity overtake my practicality just for the sake of doing something different. I'm sure the chocolate covered cranberries are delicious, but for the sake of my waistline and my wallet, I have to remind myself that it's okay to "just say no."
I've also done quite a bit of decorating in preparation for our guests. My living room is cute, but my porch is cuter! I took some pictures, but haven't uploaded them to my computer yet. When I do, you'll be impressed by my decor I promise.
But even more than cleaning and decorating, I've been shopping! My trip to Michaels did some damage, but my second and third (!) trips were worse. It wasn't all random fall decorations though. I bought two picture frames for photos I've been meaning to hang since we moved - the rest was random fall decorations. But aside from trips to Michaels, I've been doing lots of grocery shopping, including a trip to Trader Joe's.
I am not obsessed with Trader Joe's, unlike many of my friends. I used to drive by Trader Joe's every day on my way to and from school in Michigan, yet I only shopped there once. I live fairly close to a Trader Joe's in Charlotte, and yet I've only been there twice. It's just not a place I feel the need to visit very often because I can't find what I want, but I end up buying stuff I absolutely don't need. It's a sneaky place like that.
My first trip to Trader Joe's in Charlotte was more out of curiosity than anything. My sister told me about their pizza dough so I thought I would try it out, and I was curious about what other fun stuff they had. I did buy the pizza dough, but my favorite item was the apple cider - yum! My family has a tradition of drinking hot apple cider at Christmas, and this stuff rivaled the mulled cider my mom makes. I quickly realized that any apple cider I bought this season would have to come from Trader Joe's.
And the cider is what brought me back to my second trip today. I decided to make an orchard salad, and the dressing called for apple cider. I knew immediately that the Trader Joe's cider was the only appropriate cider. I also thought that I'd have a better chance of finding organic apples and pears at Trader Joe's than at the regular grocery store - mostly because I'd already looked and we had neither. So I made my special Trader Joe's trip today, and yet again found myself getting sucked in to the random stuff they had - Dark chocolate covered cranberries! Plantain chips! Pumpkin cream cheese spread! Spices for $1.99! Clearly I absolutely had to have all these wonderful items!
Except I didn't. Well, except for the $1.99 rosemary because I ran out and it cost $4.00 at the grocery store. But I didn't need or really want a single one of those other things. Chocolate covered cranberries? I'm sure they're delicious, but I'm not even a chocolate fan. But they just looked so good!
This is why I can't shop at Trader Joe's, or places like Williams-Sonoma or Crate and Barrel or even Michaels. I see things that are unique and interesting and somehow I think, "I must have this item!" even though I have no need for said item. I'm easily swayed and impulsive, which is an expensive combination in stores that offer unique products to bored housewives.
I think one of the hardest parts about being a housewife is looking for ways to fill my day that doesn't involve spending money. It's so easy to run to Target for a few "essentials" and end up dropping an extra hundred dollars on things I really don't need. In the same vein, I find myself becoming easily bored and seeing new and different products at a different grocery store is an easy way to break a cycle of boredom. However, I know I need to be careful and not let my impulsivity overtake my practicality just for the sake of doing something different. I'm sure the chocolate covered cranberries are delicious, but for the sake of my waistline and my wallet, I have to remind myself that it's okay to "just say no."
Monday, October 11, 2010
Public service announcement
A few weeks ago, I represented my alma mater at a college fair. I just started doing it this year, and have only done a couple of fairs, but I really enjoy talking to students and parents about what my university has to offer, but also going through the college application process in general.
The phrase I heard most often during this college fair, aside from "Does your school offer [major - usually nursing or engineering]?" was "My son/daughter isn't going out of state."
Now, North Carolina is a big state. It's not Texas or California, but it's a good 7 hours East to West. The school at the table next to me was from the Western part of Carolina, and he said it was a four hour drive from the college fair location. However, one of the Virginia schools was only two hour drive from the college fair location. My point is that for the parents who want to keep the kids close to home, sometimes out of state is closer.
I know that distance from home wasn't the only reason I heard that parents were hoping to keep their kids in-state. No, these parents limited their kids' college choice based on two magical words: in-state tuition.
North Carolina is lucky to have many state school options, but it also has some amazing private schools as well (e.g., Duke, Wake Forest). And many of these schools have significant resources to provide scholarships and grants that make even expensive, private colleges affordable.
Parents, before you limit your children's college choices based on what you think you know about college and college costs, educate yourself. There are a lot of great resources available, but for the purposes of financial aid, I recommend FAFSA4caster. It provides an early estimate of federal financial aid eligibility and simplifies the actual application for federal aid. Most importantly, it gives you a tangible number so that you can have a real, informed discussion with your child, the admissions representative, and the financial aid office.
The phrase I heard most often during this college fair, aside from "Does your school offer [major - usually nursing or engineering]?" was "My son/daughter isn't going out of state."
Now, North Carolina is a big state. It's not Texas or California, but it's a good 7 hours East to West. The school at the table next to me was from the Western part of Carolina, and he said it was a four hour drive from the college fair location. However, one of the Virginia schools was only two hour drive from the college fair location. My point is that for the parents who want to keep the kids close to home, sometimes out of state is closer.
I know that distance from home wasn't the only reason I heard that parents were hoping to keep their kids in-state. No, these parents limited their kids' college choice based on two magical words: in-state tuition.
North Carolina is lucky to have many state school options, but it also has some amazing private schools as well (e.g., Duke, Wake Forest). And many of these schools have significant resources to provide scholarships and grants that make even expensive, private colleges affordable.
Parents, before you limit your children's college choices based on what you think you know about college and college costs, educate yourself. There are a lot of great resources available, but for the purposes of financial aid, I recommend FAFSA4caster. It provides an early estimate of federal financial aid eligibility and simplifies the actual application for federal aid. Most importantly, it gives you a tangible number so that you can have a real, informed discussion with your child, the admissions representative, and the financial aid office.
At least my living room is cute...
I have guests coming this weekend! I love visitors!
And then I went to Michaels.
I used to visit Michaels regularly, but I stopped going in the last few years though I couldn't remember why. I love the crafts, the decorations, the picture frames, and the random candy at the front of the store. I love the weekly 40% off coupons Clearly, there must've been a good reason why I stopped going to Michaels.
Two hours and $100 later, I remember why I had to quit Michaels. But my living room looks cute.
I resisted getting out my Fall decorations this year, partially because I knew they were in the back of the storage area and I wasn't in the mood to move a million boxes to get to the one, lonely, sad box of Fall decorations. However, I thought about having guests and wanting to make a good impression, and decided that decorating would make our place feel more welcoming. So I moved a million boxes, knocked my head on the door jam of the storage area, and injured my hip flexor, but I got out the box of pitiful Fall decorations.
And then I went to Michaels.
I used to visit Michaels regularly, but I stopped going in the last few years though I couldn't remember why. I love the crafts, the decorations, the picture frames, and the random candy at the front of the store. I love the weekly 40% off coupons Clearly, there must've been a good reason why I stopped going to Michaels.
Two hours and $100 later, I remember why I had to quit Michaels. But my living room looks cute.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Holiday fun
I have Christmas on the brain. Yes, I know it's October.
I went to Hallmark this morning because the Keepsake Ornaments debuted this weekend, I picked up a few ornaments, along with a small piece for my Department 56 North Pole Series village. Yes, I know it's October (and a high of 85 degrees).
I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday by far, and I'm very attached to the traditions of Christmas. To me, Christmas symbolizes the celebration of family. In fact, the theme of my bridal shower was Christmas in July, and everyone brought me something for my husband and I to hang on our first Christmas tree - the celebration of the beginning of our new family.
As my family has grown and we've moved farther away from them, I've had to start planning for Christmas earlier. We all have to balance our own vacation schedules with our spouses, our siblings, and our in-laws, but my side of the family has always found a way for us all to be together for Christmas. For the last few years, our solution has been to gather at my parents' house in Illinois on Christmas Day.
Since moving to Charlotte, I've had to deal with a new aspect of holidays - flying. We'd always lived in driving distance before, and even though it was a pain and we had to make adjustments based on snow and ice conditions, we were always able to see our families with no problems. In fact, we even were able to take a trip to Mexico with my husband's family one year and still make it to see my family on Christmas Day.
Last year was our first year of flying home for the holidays. Our plan was to spend three days with my family and two and a half days with my husband's family. Our flight on the evening of December 23rd was cancelled, and we weren't able to fly until the morning of the 24th. It made for a somewhat hectic Christmas Eve because we had to drive to my parents' house that morning, which was two hours from the airport, but overall it worked out fine.
This year, however, is already shaping up to be a challenge. My husband's family proposed taking a trip this year. The trip was my husband's idea actually, but when he proposed it, he thought we'd go on vacation after Christmas as a way to recooperate from the holidays. However, due to my sister-in-law's vacation schedule, the proposed trip would happen from December 23rd until December 26th. From a logistical standpoint, this means that we'll be flying from Charlotte to our vacation destination, and then somehow getting to Illinois to see my family, before heading back to Charlotte.
My husband's family doesn't seem to understand why this is problematic for us. It seems that they don't recognize that this trip involves multiple destinations/flights for us, extra costs, and needing extra time to see both families. It means spending multiple days on airplanes and extra hours in cars.
And it means not being with my family on Christmas, or maybe even at all.
My husband's family (his parents and older sister) don't have many Christmas traditions. In fact, they don't even have a tree. And really, his sister doesn't technically believe in Christmas (that's a loooooong story, but she claims to celebrate Winter Solstice or Yule, though she always asked for Christmas presents... like I said, looooooong story). When we've been with my in-laws on Christmas Eve, my husband and I go to Mass alone. We've always invited the family to go with us, but they've always declined. Sometimes my mother-in-law would go to the Lutheran service, but more often she'd say she was going and then ultimately end up not going. My father-in-law refused to go to anything, and my sister-in-law would sometimes say she was going to services with my mother-in-law and then bail, and sometimes lecture everyone on the evils of organized religion (like I said, looooooong story). They have never said anything about us taking off around dinner time to go to Church, but I always felt weird leaving them for several hours while we attend Mass.
We stopped exchanging gifts a few years ago, largely because it had dissolved into getting gift cards for each other. I found it dumb to essentially exchange cash - here's $50 for Ikea compared to your $25 Borders gift card -and suggested we spend money on doing something together as a family. This actually went over pretty well when we instituted it. One year, my husband and I bought theatre tickets to Meet Me in St. Louis, while his parents bought massages for everyone and then his sister bought lunch after our massages. I thought this arrangement worked well. We did non-Christmasy things, but spent more time together as family than we would've otherwise.
My family (my parents, three sisters, two brothers-in-law, niece, nephew, and now youngest sister's fiance), on the other hand, have a lot of Christmas traditions. For starters, we always go to Mass on Christmas Eve. Attending Mass on Christmas Eve is incredibly important to me. Regardless of what else is on my mind, or how stressed I am leading up to Church, the moment I step into church on Christmas Eve, my mind is cleared. I focus on the the music, and the Nativity, and spending time with my family, and suddenly I'm overwhelmed by Christmas spirit.
We have other traditions too, involving looking at Christmas lights, eating particular food, and opening presents, and we recently added a gingerbread house building contest (except we use graham crackers, and they're not necessarily houses). I enjoy all these traditions, but moreso I love sharing them with my family.
Thus, for the last couple of years, we've spent both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family. In 2008, we went to his family's house for three days before Christmas and drove from his parents to my parents on Christmas Eve. Last year, we arrived on Christmas Eve and then left to see his family on the early morning of the 27th until the 29th. I enjoyed this arrangement a lot. We celebrated a more traditional Christmas with my family, but still spent quality time with his family. My husband agreed with me, which was important to making these arrangements. He enjoyed the Christmas celebration with my family, and appreciated the time we spent with his family.
And yet, somehow, his family doesn't seem to understand this.
Like I said, my husband understands my frustration completely and supports me on the decision to spend Christmas Day and sometimes Christmas Eve with my family, but can't seem to get his family to understand our choice. When he expressed our mutual concern about not being with my family at all on Christmas if we went on this trip, his parents got angry and complained that we hadn't spent Christmas with them in a few years. My husband pointed out that Christmas and Christmas traditions aren't that important to his parents (as evidenced by their eagerness to be on vacation over Christmas), but they argued that it was important that we spend time with them. My husband pointed out that we did spend time with them, and we tried to spend quality time with them, but they were more concerned that we spend Christmas Day with them than listening to my husband's reasons for why we couldn't do the trip the way they wanted to do it.
The conversation ended with my in-laws telling my husband that if we weren't going to go from the 23rd to the 26th, then we weren't going on the trip at all. To me, this made sense. It didn't work in our schedules, it was going to be ridiculously expensive, so why force it to happen? Unfortunately, it was meant to be a threat, as a way of forcing my husband and I to choose between his family and mine - as though if we didn't go on this trip, we weren't going to see his family at Christmas at all.
And that's why I'm angry.
His mom and sister were at my wedding shower, so I know they are aware of how important Christmas is to me. I shared my disappointment the first year they decided not to put up a Christmas tree. (They decided it was a pain, even though they left it up and completely decorated in the basement all year - just had to carry it upstairs at Christmas!) It's hurtful to me that they're trying to keep me from my family, and that they're forcing their three schedules on us instead of accommodating ours, especially because we're already traveling to see them. I'm upset that they don't want to acknowledge that we're trying to balance two families. But most of all, I feel like we're being manipulated, and that they're threatening to withold their love and attention in order to get what they want. And I'm angry that we're not allowed to make our own choice and do what we want to do, all because we don't want to hurt anybody else's feelings.
Really, I am sure this will all work out fine. We won't go on the trip, but we'll still see his family, and we'll be with my family on Christmas Day. I just hope that his family won't make my husband feel guilty for being with my family on Christmas.
Guilt is the opposite of Christmas Spirit.
I went to Hallmark this morning because the Keepsake Ornaments debuted this weekend, I picked up a few ornaments, along with a small piece for my Department 56 North Pole Series village. Yes, I know it's October (and a high of 85 degrees).
I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday by far, and I'm very attached to the traditions of Christmas. To me, Christmas symbolizes the celebration of family. In fact, the theme of my bridal shower was Christmas in July, and everyone brought me something for my husband and I to hang on our first Christmas tree - the celebration of the beginning of our new family.
As my family has grown and we've moved farther away from them, I've had to start planning for Christmas earlier. We all have to balance our own vacation schedules with our spouses, our siblings, and our in-laws, but my side of the family has always found a way for us all to be together for Christmas. For the last few years, our solution has been to gather at my parents' house in Illinois on Christmas Day.
Since moving to Charlotte, I've had to deal with a new aspect of holidays - flying. We'd always lived in driving distance before, and even though it was a pain and we had to make adjustments based on snow and ice conditions, we were always able to see our families with no problems. In fact, we even were able to take a trip to Mexico with my husband's family one year and still make it to see my family on Christmas Day.
Last year was our first year of flying home for the holidays. Our plan was to spend three days with my family and two and a half days with my husband's family. Our flight on the evening of December 23rd was cancelled, and we weren't able to fly until the morning of the 24th. It made for a somewhat hectic Christmas Eve because we had to drive to my parents' house that morning, which was two hours from the airport, but overall it worked out fine.
This year, however, is already shaping up to be a challenge. My husband's family proposed taking a trip this year. The trip was my husband's idea actually, but when he proposed it, he thought we'd go on vacation after Christmas as a way to recooperate from the holidays. However, due to my sister-in-law's vacation schedule, the proposed trip would happen from December 23rd until December 26th. From a logistical standpoint, this means that we'll be flying from Charlotte to our vacation destination, and then somehow getting to Illinois to see my family, before heading back to Charlotte.
My husband's family doesn't seem to understand why this is problematic for us. It seems that they don't recognize that this trip involves multiple destinations/flights for us, extra costs, and needing extra time to see both families. It means spending multiple days on airplanes and extra hours in cars.
And it means not being with my family on Christmas, or maybe even at all.
My husband's family (his parents and older sister) don't have many Christmas traditions. In fact, they don't even have a tree. And really, his sister doesn't technically believe in Christmas (that's a loooooong story, but she claims to celebrate Winter Solstice or Yule, though she always asked for Christmas presents... like I said, looooooong story). When we've been with my in-laws on Christmas Eve, my husband and I go to Mass alone. We've always invited the family to go with us, but they've always declined. Sometimes my mother-in-law would go to the Lutheran service, but more often she'd say she was going and then ultimately end up not going. My father-in-law refused to go to anything, and my sister-in-law would sometimes say she was going to services with my mother-in-law and then bail, and sometimes lecture everyone on the evils of organized religion (like I said, looooooong story). They have never said anything about us taking off around dinner time to go to Church, but I always felt weird leaving them for several hours while we attend Mass.
We stopped exchanging gifts a few years ago, largely because it had dissolved into getting gift cards for each other. I found it dumb to essentially exchange cash - here's $50 for Ikea compared to your $25 Borders gift card -and suggested we spend money on doing something together as a family. This actually went over pretty well when we instituted it. One year, my husband and I bought theatre tickets to Meet Me in St. Louis, while his parents bought massages for everyone and then his sister bought lunch after our massages. I thought this arrangement worked well. We did non-Christmasy things, but spent more time together as family than we would've otherwise.
My family (my parents, three sisters, two brothers-in-law, niece, nephew, and now youngest sister's fiance), on the other hand, have a lot of Christmas traditions. For starters, we always go to Mass on Christmas Eve. Attending Mass on Christmas Eve is incredibly important to me. Regardless of what else is on my mind, or how stressed I am leading up to Church, the moment I step into church on Christmas Eve, my mind is cleared. I focus on the the music, and the Nativity, and spending time with my family, and suddenly I'm overwhelmed by Christmas spirit.
We have other traditions too, involving looking at Christmas lights, eating particular food, and opening presents, and we recently added a gingerbread house building contest (except we use graham crackers, and they're not necessarily houses). I enjoy all these traditions, but moreso I love sharing them with my family.
Thus, for the last couple of years, we've spent both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family. In 2008, we went to his family's house for three days before Christmas and drove from his parents to my parents on Christmas Eve. Last year, we arrived on Christmas Eve and then left to see his family on the early morning of the 27th until the 29th. I enjoyed this arrangement a lot. We celebrated a more traditional Christmas with my family, but still spent quality time with his family. My husband agreed with me, which was important to making these arrangements. He enjoyed the Christmas celebration with my family, and appreciated the time we spent with his family.
And yet, somehow, his family doesn't seem to understand this.
Like I said, my husband understands my frustration completely and supports me on the decision to spend Christmas Day and sometimes Christmas Eve with my family, but can't seem to get his family to understand our choice. When he expressed our mutual concern about not being with my family at all on Christmas if we went on this trip, his parents got angry and complained that we hadn't spent Christmas with them in a few years. My husband pointed out that Christmas and Christmas traditions aren't that important to his parents (as evidenced by their eagerness to be on vacation over Christmas), but they argued that it was important that we spend time with them. My husband pointed out that we did spend time with them, and we tried to spend quality time with them, but they were more concerned that we spend Christmas Day with them than listening to my husband's reasons for why we couldn't do the trip the way they wanted to do it.
The conversation ended with my in-laws telling my husband that if we weren't going to go from the 23rd to the 26th, then we weren't going on the trip at all. To me, this made sense. It didn't work in our schedules, it was going to be ridiculously expensive, so why force it to happen? Unfortunately, it was meant to be a threat, as a way of forcing my husband and I to choose between his family and mine - as though if we didn't go on this trip, we weren't going to see his family at Christmas at all.
And that's why I'm angry.
His mom and sister were at my wedding shower, so I know they are aware of how important Christmas is to me. I shared my disappointment the first year they decided not to put up a Christmas tree. (They decided it was a pain, even though they left it up and completely decorated in the basement all year - just had to carry it upstairs at Christmas!) It's hurtful to me that they're trying to keep me from my family, and that they're forcing their three schedules on us instead of accommodating ours, especially because we're already traveling to see them. I'm upset that they don't want to acknowledge that we're trying to balance two families. But most of all, I feel like we're being manipulated, and that they're threatening to withold their love and attention in order to get what they want. And I'm angry that we're not allowed to make our own choice and do what we want to do, all because we don't want to hurt anybody else's feelings.
Really, I am sure this will all work out fine. We won't go on the trip, but we'll still see his family, and we'll be with my family on Christmas Day. I just hope that his family won't make my husband feel guilty for being with my family on Christmas.
Guilt is the opposite of Christmas Spirit.
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