My sister Lucy volunteers as a weekly visitor to an elderly woman who is essentially stuck at home with no regular visitors. Lucy refers to this woman as "my old lady" and she has great affection for her. Anyway, Lucy posted this as her Facebook status yesterday:
When I start my new job next week, my concept of "busy" will change. I'll have an eleven hour day including my commute. I'm starting a student services program from scratch so I'm sure I will be doing eighteen things at once - "building the plane while I fly it" so to speak. Dinner will still have to be made, workouts will still have to be completed, blogs will still need to be written - because my sisters say so - and laundry will need to be folded. I'll be busy.
But right now, I'm at home and I don't have kids. This doesn't mean I'm not busy. Our house didn't unpack itself after our move. The walls didn't go to Lowe's and pick out their own paint and put it on themselves. Our groceries don't magically show up. I can't exactly drive-thru the DMV to get my Wisconsin license and register the cars. My scrapbooks are gorgeous for a reason. Heck, even though I don't clean my house, the cleaning fairies didn't just show up one day - I had to make calls, schedule appointments, meet with people, check references, etc. And throwing on some Shape-ups while I run errands isn't going to get me the workout I want or need.
I'm busy.
I understand parents are busy, but I am too. What I am busy doing may seem frivolous or unimportant when compared with raising a child, but it's my choice and it's my luxury because I chose not to have kids right away. I wanted to go to school, establish a career, and build a nest egg. I wanted to visit a baseball stadium on whim or take a last-minute vacation when I got stressed out. I wanted to be able to move across the country for a great job opportunity (for my husband or me) and not have to worry about moving kids and switching schools.
I am more than okay with my choice not have kids at this point in my life because I love the life that I have. I love that I can spend my day cropping pictures and picking out scrapbook papers. I love that I can spend hours grocery shopping and trying out a new recipe for dinner. I love that I can read a book cover to cover in one afternoon. I love that I can spend quality time with my husband. I love that I can do the things I want to do.
What I don't love is having my choices trivialized. I don't love being called selfish. I don't love that I'm viewed as superficial. I don't love that my time and how I spend it is not viewed as important or worthwhile. I don't love that my worth as a woman is measured by raising children.
Most of all, I don't love that it's socially acceptable for everyone - working moms, stay-at-home dads, and even old ladies - to verbally pass judgment on how I spend my time, and it's proper etiquette for me to keep my mouth shut and take it.
Of course you're busy. Before I had kids, I was busy, too. It's just a different kind of busy now. Different, not one harder than another.
ReplyDeleteOh My Goodness... Thank You!! I don't have kids either, and my sister- in- laws act like somehow my time is totally free and I have no responsiblities. It makes me a crazy person!!
ReplyDeleteBoth of my kids are older now, one is living away from home. Even though they are self-sufficient (for the most part) that doesn't mean I don't still have lots of work to do around the house.
ReplyDeleteYour time and what you do with it, is every bit as important or worthy, as what any mom does, SAHM or working outside the home.
We're all busy, just busy doing different things. And being busy doing things that concern you rather than your child does not make your "busy" any less important. Nor does it make you selfish!
ReplyDeleteNow get busy! ;-)
Stopping by for PYHO!
Agree totally with Shel. I am busy with things I wasn't busy with before. That's all.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Shel before I had kids I was also busy and I will be busy when my kids grow up and leave the house - it is just who I am. I like to do things.
ReplyDeleteNow what I can't stand is when a grown adult(not a teenager or child who obviously have restrictions) posts on Facebook that they are bored! How can you be bored? There are so many things you could be doing!!! Do something!!
Ok, at the risk of really ticking you and others off, but since it is a pour your heart out post and thus requires honesty...I am going to point out the elephant in the room.
ReplyDeleteIt is selfish.
but wait!! wait. don't get mad.
It's also OKAY. Completely okay. Even if it is trivial, or leisurely....what's wrong with having a little bit of that in our lives for a spell? I say enjoy it while you can. Take complete advantage, I mean MILK IT for all it is worth! And, heart to heart, I'll tell you why:
You don't have to justify, defend or explain it to anyone. Don't ever - fully support you in that. But in fact, your life, right now, is pretty much about You. (at least from how you described it above.) And I say again, perfectly okay. I firmly beleive it is very important to "know thyself" and if this the life you want right now, you should have it. Without judgement. So, please, it's not judgement from me, but I am going to tell you something I wish had been told to me, prior to adding children: it is not the same kind of busy. I've lived both sides, so I know.
It might sould like jealousy (sure, I would love to have time to read, scrapbook, repaint my ugly bathroom walls, or complete a blog post without constant interruptions), but truth is, it is vastly different from a mother's busy life. It's simple math - there's more work to be done. More kids = more to take care of = less time for you. So while you might think I am criticizing or judging... I am actually encouraging you to stay strong in your decision. I am so glad that I had that time for me before getting married and having kids. It's actually very wise. Once you have to care for others too; whole new ball game.
Sure I was busy before marriage and kids. But looking back, I was basically only as busy as I Chose to be (aside from actual job), which is vastly different from my life now that is as busy as all those dependent on me.. Require me to be. The sacrifices I make now: that's what can do you in.
Neither the life I lived before, nor the life I live now was better, or more "right" than the other. But as a SAHM -- I don't think anything could have prepared me for just how busy I would be, all day long.
And this is the key point....without even doing anything, not one thing, for ME. So, seriously, go ahead and enjoy the time that is just for you, (and your husband) right now.
I just love it when people feel like they can determine what your life is like in one quick judgment. Truth is, we have NO idea what anyone else's life is truly like... busy, leisurely, boring, exciting, fake, genuine... Unless you're living in that person's shoes, you just have no idea. I say enjoy the life you have, with kids, or without kids, with a husband, or without a husband. Everyone's definition of busy is different. I took a 4 hour nap yesterday while my kids were at school and my husband was at work. *I* was busy. So :P. ;)
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU!! You must really know your sister Lucy to see that even though her post was meant to be funny and light-hearted, it clearly struck a nerve about an important issue... Keep posting! Maybe some day we'll all realize that we need to quit being judgmental of each other and our life choices, and just be supportive instead!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, people just need to stop judging other people in general! I hear (too much) that I have all the time on my hands as a SAHM versus a working mom. And yes, I don't know how working mom's juggle it all and I'm very blessed to be at home, but it's not like I have hours and hours of free time either (although I'm sure I have more than them in ways) and I certainly can never have a sick day darn it! When you think about it, it all comes to choices and owning your choices. If you are happy in your choices, then you've got to let go of the comments (and jealousy) of others!
ReplyDeleteAgreed with Bridget.. Let's be serious, we need to be supportive as women, of other women! That's what it boils down to. Each woman comes in different shapes and sizes, and different lifestyles, but what brings us down is other women! How terrible about that, in a world where women need as much support as possible.
ReplyDeleteMy kid goes to her dad's a few days each week and I am always galled at the nerve people have thining I "don't have anything to do"! My time is my time and I think I shouldn't have to justify it to anyone. Same for you and your sis! You all should be free to use your time as you'd like and nuts to that old lady (not really)!
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