Just one of those days

I've had a couple of bad days recently and I'm not exactly sure why. I've been feeling a bit... useless is the word coming to mind. That's not the right word but it's the only word that seems to fully capture how I've been feeling the last few days. Let me back up and explain.

I think this is the part of being a housewife that I struggle with the most: I don't contribute. My husband works incredibly hard and makes money, and I do nothing but spend his money. That's not entirely true, but that's how it feels. This message isn't coming from my husband, it's the voice inside my head that tells me I'm not doing my part. I try to compensate by cleaning (blech), cooking, and entertaining, but I still don't feel like I'm doing my part. Maybe if I had a child I could justify being at home, but I don't, so I really don't feel like an equal partner while my husband works so hard.

Yes, I have a job and I get paid for it. However, my job involves writing a lot and I have a serious case of writer's block, at least when it comes to the topic I'm supposed to be writing about for my job. So I'm not really doing my job right now either. I am, but not well, and that contributes to my feeling of uselessness.

So here I am, a useless housewife in Charlotte.

It's days like these that make me remember that I once felt useful and that my daily life once mattered, that I was needed even. I miss those days. I liked feeling like others depended on me, that I made a difference in the lives of others, that I somehow contributed to others' well-being. I was rewarded for this contribution both spiritually and monetarily. My role as a housewife brings me neither spiritual nor monetary fulfillment and without anything to fill me up, I just have this feeling of emptiness... and uselessness.

Like I said, it's just one of those days.